A Day in the life of
Midas Whelby the Squirky Terts
Part One
I woke up in urine again . Typical, Seems like I oughtta be able to control that by now .. Sometimes I wonder if its really me or if somebody is sneakin up on me while I'm passed out ... whippin out thier smelly cock and squirtin a hot ribbon of piss on me ... but anyhow, somebody oughtta do somethin about that smell ... Not much work these days for a guy like me. Not like it used ta be. Before that god damn midget ran off to who knows where . Left me here with that one armed whore and her fucking weepy eyed little dog. You know how many fucking chihuahua turds fit on the bottom of a clown shoe? Alot my friend, alot.
Ahhhh. Good ol' John Daniels. Hair of the dog, as it were. I see you starin. Lookin at me like I'm some kind of freak. Well don't judge me you son of a bitch. You don't know what its like. So where was I... Yeah . The midget and his fancy lad friend flew off in thier spaceship and left me in a three wheeled car with a one armed whore and her weepy eyed little nugget pinching rat fuck dog. At least I still had the money and the drugs. Alot of good that did me....
We put the drugs in little bags and wrapped a couple of them in bacon and shoved em down that little four legged shit farm's throat. Then I took the rest and worked them into the one armed whore. I'll let you fill your own imagination with the vivid details of that loathesome deed. So we piled into the three wheeled clown car and drove towards the border. It was the one armed whore's idea to go to Mexico. I really didn't give a shit but she stroked me off with her good arm on the way down. Sometimes she'd go down on me and rub my balls with her nub but thats neither here nor there ....
We got the border around noon. It was hot as fuckin blazes. My grease paint was runnin. The two little uniformed Mexicans came up to the car lookin at each other and giggling like two little teenage girls. The smaller, more heavily moustachioed one tapped on the window. The dog started yapping like a god damn lunatic, jumping around like a little bug eyed freak. I wound down the window and he looks inside with this smug poncherello vibe that made me somehow hungry for sour cream and he says .. "What are chew..some kinda fucking clown, mang?" and his buddy laughed, covering his mouth as he did , subconsciously cowering to the other man's more prominent and manly moustache, forever bound to his role as side kick. Companero de Poncherello.
"Yeah I'm a clown .. I guess."
"Chew guess?"
"Yeah well ... its a long story" .... The dog was running in circles. Barking and yapping. Squealing. Companero de Poncherello chuckled while peering down the shirt of the one armed whore.
"Chew know chew only got three tires on this thing , mang?"
"Its magic," I said.
"What?"
"It's magic ..You know ... Woooo ! Look at that ! Its a clown car. Its funny.Ha."
"Yeah. Whatever. Chew caint be driving like dat, mang. Chew gonna need to get that fixed up, mang. I know a good clown car mechanic who could hook you up." He smiled. In slow motion. The wave of sour cream rolled over me and I thought I was going to puke.
"Yeah, look... This god damn dog is going to explode if we don't start going soon and I need a drink, so if you mind..."
They waved me through. Laughing and pointing. Maybe they still thought clowns were funny down here. Maybe it wouldnt be so bad.
As soon as the thought had ran across my mind I saw the eyes, man. The eyes. the eys of that skinny little weepy shit monger bulging out and glazed over with a thick coating of spunk. It all happened so fast. First they sunk in. Then they puffed out like something squeezed all the air from inside its disgusting little body and shot its eyes right out of the sockets. The turned out in opposite directions as its tongue stuck straight out of its throat which unleashed a horrible hacking wheeze. And then it just keeled over.
"Fuck !"
"What ?," said the one armed whore, waking up from a nod.
"The dog just exploded."
"Huh?"
"The drugs ! The fucking drugs ! They exploded in his stomach !"
She nodded out again.
"Wake up you nubby slut !" .... nothing. It was pointless to even try. I drove for a while longer until I found an out of the way place to park the three wheeled car. I pulled over by a large sign on the road. Wrestling midgets. Some kind of sick joke.
These balloons apparently werent meant to hold large amounts of narcotics inside of a dog's stomach and I wasn't sure how long they were going to hold up in that toxic waste dump the one armed whore liked to refer to as the salty socket. I had to go in. This seemed a hell of alot easier yesterday after I had downed a few pills with a fifth whiskey.Now I'm not the most suave guy in the sack but I can usually find a hole to stick something in, but something just wasnt jiving. I pushed her dry flappy meat around, prodding for the bags but I couldn't get a handle on anything. I was getting more and more sick by the second . Sweat start beading up on my forehead and the paint ran again into my eyes. I felt it coming. Up from the pit of my gut. Straight up and out of my mouth. Hot vomit baby. Like some kind of nightmarish condiment for the grotesque display of lunch meat like loins in front of me.
"Fuck this."
I wiped the puke off my hand on the one armed whore's Krokus t-shirt.
"Well at least I still got the money."
I got out of the car and grabbed the bag and started to walk away, but something made me turn back.I don't know. A clowns intuition maybe. I went back to the car and I grabbed the dead dog. I shoved his limp body in the bag with the cash, because well, you never know. I zipped it up and headed down the highway.
Part Two
The Mexicans have a saint for everything. As I plodded down the road wondered what the patron saint of sweaty clown balls might be. I'm not sure what smelled worse me or that dead fuckin dog. The plastic flower on my lapel wilted for christ's sake. I thought maybe I could get a ride in the back of a truck with some chickens or something but no such luck. The dogs were barking. One mile feels like ten when you got size twenty five's pounding the dirt. And the corns ... the corns on my feet were poppin like Orvil Reddenbacher. Those motherfuckers probably call it maize.
I needed to sit down. "Maybe I'll just sleep on the side of the road." I thought. Wouldn't be the worst place I've ever slept. Pales in comparison to waking up in a fetal position, curled up against an elephant's nutsack. I blame all this on that fucking midget. At least I had the money..... and a fifth of whiskey tucked neatly into my tighty whities. Not that they had been white for a long , long time. Come to think of it I don't remember ever taking them off. Could be where that smell is comin from ...
Anyway I sat on the side of the road gettin shitfaced. Dancin. Singin. Jerkin off and howlin at the moon. And I saw these lights comin at me and I thought " Hallemothufuckinlujah ! It's the midget and his spaceship comin back to fullfill the prophecy!" So I put my cock back in my drawers and did the robot for a good twenty seconds with a wicked fat hard on in my polka dotted pants.
Beep. Beep. Went the spaceship, and I said "Bleep bloop blop " and totally got krump on that bitch.
Beep . Beep.....It communicated again ... I looked up, slowly bobbing my head, which felt like it was filled with a gallon of piss, rubbed my bloodshot eyes, and after a few seconds the spaceship started to look less like a shaceship and more like a truck. An old shitty, red jalopy, sanford and son lookin piece of mexican caca truck.
Don't ask me why, but it struck me as funny. Another cruel joke. I laughed so hard I pissed myself. One big hot wet polka dot for fate.
"Where's you muthuhfuckin chickens at ...huh?!" ... I screamed, indignant before the gods . I saw the circus burning and then everything went black.
I slowly opened my eyes. The sun came in and it felt like getting kicked in the head by a god damn burro. This place was already starting to get to me. I turned over to get out of the sun and rested my head on something that felt warm on my painted face. It was soft but I couldn't get comfortable. Something smelled like beef stew. Where the hell was I?
I squinted and picked up my throbbing head. Slowly my warm leathery pillow came into focus. "What the fuck is that?" .. I thought. A knee? An elbow maybe? .... A creeping nausea set in as I realized what it was. A stump. A hairy, skinny stump. One that I had come to know all to well. Of all the rotten luck. Well maybe it wasn't bad luck, but it was sure as hell rotten. She was nodded out again. Go figure. I peeked over her shoulder and caught a glimpse of the guy driving. A swarthy bastard by all accounts. Filthy grey and brown hair came out in all directions from his head and face. I could practically see his beard crawling. Surely there was something living in it.
"Mornin' stranger." ...The thing spoke. And in the most ridiculous stereotypical redneck voice that anyone could possibly imagine. He turned and looked at me, smiling.His teeth were like tiny sticks of melting butter. I wanted to eat them straight out of his skull.
"What'r you some kinda clown'r sump'n ?" .... Warm waves of his putrid breath slowly penetrated by nostrils. Raping my nasal cavity over and over. I was in a sensory prison. Being tortured by a freakish ensemble of odors, not the least of which eminated from my own greasy meat. What kind of sick fuck would pick up me and a one armed whore ... I silently wondered. Surely a reputable citizen. I didn't know they had rednecks in Mexico. It didn't seem so strange though, considering his passengers.
"Sometimes..." I managed to mutter. My body didn't seem to be properly aligned with my brain. A sensation that wasn't altogether foreign, I'll have you know. This clown is one tough fucker. It would take more than some weed and some liquor to take me down ...."Where's my bag?" I gurgled out underneath the phlegm in my mouth. I hocked one out the window ...or I meant to , but the window wasn't open ....I would have laughed but I was more concerned about the money.
"Oh don't you be worrying bout that none. It's in the back with the chicken..... by the way... the name's Ozzy."
"Did you just say in the back ... with the chicken?" ....
"That's raght .. thu biggust chick'n you ever did lay yer yeller eyes on" ... he chortled a few seconds and let a out a high sigh "wooooee... take a look fer yerself ..."
I lifted my head and looked in the back of the truck . I shit you not there was a chicken the size of a small pony. Its giant head stood a good five feet off the ground. It was mighty. The sun shined down from behind its magnificent beak. It let out a ferocious squawk and looked me dead in the eye, puffing out its muscular , feathery chest. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. I saw the fire of eternity in its vacant eye. Its dilated pupil was a black hole. A vortex sucking me in with its all consuming rage.
"Took a whole mess a my cousins an me to get 'er in there" he said while licking the film off of his filthy teeth. I couldn't help but think about that fucking midget again and his damn prophesies. Something about the filthy and the foul coming together. Maybe he meant fowl.....
"Where are we goin," I said as the road wound down and around into a maze of rock formations.
"The breed'n grounds," he replied, slowly turning his head and smiling wildly.
"Theres no place like home," I quipped and let out a melodious clown cackle as I tapped my big red shoes together.
I really didn't care where we were goin. Anything was better than being inside this truck. The kaleidescope of smells was like a tornado sweeping in and crushing whatever sanity I had left. If that term can even be applied to a creep like me ...
One thing was for sure ... We weren't in fucking Kansas anymore.
Part Three
The dirt road wound down and around, deeper into the canyon like some kind of intestine leading us directly to the asshole of the desert. Did I mention the smell? Sticking my head out the window didn't help . As we moved further into the dusty maze the air took on an odor not unlike a month old corpse baking in the oven at 350 degrees.
"Almost there" Ozzy said , scratching his mangy beard. The one armed whore stirred . I felt her stump twitch as she trumpeted out some kind of moist and tangy queef . She rolled her head back against the seat with a slight smirk on her face. Jesus Christ ! The dope was still stuffed up in that landfill she called a pussy. I wanted to beat both of them to death and juggle thier skulls along with that rotting mutt in the back.
I caught a glimpse of that giant freakin chicken through the side mirror and I swear to Thor that motherfucker was lookin straight at me ! It had to turn its giant chicken head all the way around to look into the mirror . Those bottomless black eyes were boring right into my skull. Was it staring at me the whole time? Maybe it was reading my thoughts. Ozzy turned and looked at me , smiling. "We're here" . Something was rotten in Denmark ... and I'm pretty sure it was his motherfuckin teeth.
Just then I hear .."Midas Whelby .. I can not buh-lieve what I'm lookin at !" That sing songy trailer trash voice could only becoming from one nasty hole . I turned around and before I could get out of the truck the one armed whore was on top of me like a priest on an altar boy. She slopped her traditional tongue kiss hellos on me for a good ten seconds or so before I finally peeled her off. Bitch tasted like a carnie's armpit.
I got out of the truck and that fucking chicken was still staring at me. Breathing heavily through its crusty yellow beak. Glaring with its empty eyes. "Nuggets" is all I said and I squeezed my little horn and my sweaty balls at the same time. Toot Toot Bitch !
"Don't git eem all riled up," Ozzy said, invading my personal space with his dank hillbilly aura. "Ees a nasty mother clucker when ees mad atcha" . Ozzy snorted at himself nearly choking at his own comedic brilliance. I tried to stare at him blankly but the smile painted on my face must have encouraged him . He kept snorting and ribbing me with his elbow like I was suddenly going to start bursting into laughter and jizzing confetti all over his greasy mug.
"Welp .. This is it. The breed'n grounds" he said. We were parked outside a large wooden gate that was partially open but obstructed the view inside.
"I'd walk with my back to the walls if I were you !" Ozzy wheezed out one of those long whiskey laughs that's all in the back of throat. No voice , just air and squeeking phlegm. His hot breath whistled out of his throat while he leaned on one knee, pointing and shaking his head. I imagined for a moment what his head might taste like deep fried and served with cranberry sauce."What are we doing here you crazy fucking redneck?" I was getting irritated. I needed some kind of fix.... and quick.
"Welp ... I need to drop off the dick chicken and git some gas 'for we hit town, " he said, picking his moldy teeth with his long pinky nail.
"Dick chicken?" I said.
"Yeah .. he fucks all em oth'r chick'ns and pretty much anything else ee can get ees hand on...or uhh... beak or whatever ..."
"Don't roosters usually fuck chickens? " I said, silently punching myself in the face for engaging in this ludicrous conversation. Fucking a chicken would have been preferable.
"Maybe you ain't the smartest clown inna desrt , but this here ain't no ordin'ry chicken feller ." Ozzy said . "He'll fuck ya raw."
"Well you'd know better than me I guess." I didn't press the issue. Ozzy's bow legged stance told me everything I needed to know about his animal husbandry skills.
"Looks like nubby done run offt," Ozzy said, butchering the american dream with each second of wretched existance... but he did have a point. I looked around and didn't see the one armed whore anywhere. That bitch was probably off in some corner trying to get the dope out of her musty hatchet wound.
"You got any alchohol here ? " I asked. I figured it would be better than nothing. At least until we could fish out the good shit.
"Aclheehol?" Ozzy responded in perfect hillbilly form.
"Yeah , you know... whiskey , tequila, moonshine ?"
"Oh we got plenty of that," he said . "Yer gonna havta try our special brew." His voice trailed away as he shuffled off between the two large makeshift wooden doors mumbling and laughing to himself.
"At least there's alchohol in this dusty hole," I muttered. Which reminded me that I should be tracking down that gutter slut that had my drugs. All this fucking running around was making me tense so I pulled out my cock and rubbed one out real quick by the truck. I could hear that fucking freak ass chicken getting worked up behind me. I turned around and waved my cock at him as I launched a hot ribbon of clown spunk on the side of Ozzy's redneck-mobile. The dick chicken seemed offended on a primal level and writhed around in its restraints widly, puttin a hurtin on the hillbilly's suspension . It smashed its giant beak through the back window busting glass out all over the place and squawking with a hatred in its voice that I had only heard once before in my depraved life. (Remind me to tell you about the time I tied up the bearded lady and let the lobster boy have his way with her). I felt better. Things were looking up. I winked at my reflection in the side window and gave myself 'the guns'. I went inside the gates a new clown. Refreshed and dressed to party. The terts was ready to rock and roll. It was time to get fucked up.
to be continued